on new beginnings and feeling stuck.

I've been gone for a long time, yes I realize that. Do I have a valid excuse? Not really. It's a mix of lack of creative juices, excessive school schedules, work, and motherhood. Oh and wedding planning. Sort of.

I feel like I've been experiencing a lot of new beginnings in the last few years. First, there was becoming a mom. But we already know that story. Next, it was starting college. Better late than never. Then, a few months after I stopped blogging, I got engaged. But most of you probably know that already as well. Then last month I decided to start another journey: weight loss. Or maybe I should say, weight loss the right way. The way that doesn't involve starving myself, throwing up, or swallowing laxatives by the box. I figured I'd finally do it the right way: eating right and going to the damn gym. 

So far, I feel like I have been doing okay. I've stuck with my goals. I've logged my food. I've stuck to a healthy diet. I log my workouts. I do plenty of cardio, but make sure I get in weight and circuit training too. I try not to weigh myself very much or at all because I'll get easily discouraged. My next weigh in is on Thursday. You see, I'm an impatient person when it comes to weight loss (and maybe on some level, we all are). I want results and I want it now, preferably yesterday. This is why I have resorted to such extremes for the last 11 years.

I set a deadline for myself. On September 26, I have an appointment at a trendy wedding dress boutique in West Hollywood. I want to lose 15 lbs by then. In June I went and tried on some wedding dresses on the fly. It was awful. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I was disgusted with myself. Side note: what the hell is up with wedding dress sizes anyway?? The stylist could have put me in the most beautiful dress in the entire store and I still would have been horrified by myself. I can't figure out if I just can't find the right dress or if I have the wrong body. Maybe both.

Okay maybe "the wrong body" isn't the right choice of words, but bear with me. Today is one of THOSE DAYS. I honestly haven't felt like myself for a few days now. I can't quite muster a smile. I feel defeated. There isn't any ONE thing that makes me feel this way. I feel stuck. I feel like my hard work and effort is getting me nowhere. I feel like all of my friends are beautiful and I am not. I feel like all of my friends can afford to have beautiful weddings. I feel like I cannot. (Yeah, I'm having a serious case of the green-eyed monster here.) Today I want to throw in the towel. I want to say, quite simply: FUCK IT. I give in.

But that's the kicker, isn't it? I can't give in. I have to put on my big girl pants and trudge through the muck to get to the other side, whatever that means or where ever that is. I need to strap on my sneakers and go to the fucking gym. I need to thank my lucky stars I have a healthy, insanely smart toddler and a fiance who loves me for who I am (and says I don't need to lose a pound, even though he knows that doesn't get through to me and I'll never see it, he says it anyway). I need to start making some big changes in other aspects of my life. And I have to hold on to a little but of hope that I can have a beautiful wedding too.

But it's not always easy.

Musings on motherhood.

I'm still shocked/amazed at how quickly Olivia is growing. I don't mean in height and weight. I mean how quickly she is growing as a child, as a person. Every day, every week, she does something new. Or some new facet of her personality shows itself. The way she grabs her feet and pulls them all the way to her face. How she lunges forward when she's sitting up to grab her toys and land on her tummy (she's ready for crawling,m that's for sure). I love her little tiny teeth that are sprouting (all 4 of them!), even though it means there are some rough days. I love hearing her say "Mama", which she says all the time now. Or hearing the little sounds she makes when she first wakes up in the morning to let us know that she is awake. I roll over, always a bit bleary-eyed (I'm sorry, but the waking up early thing just has never gotten easier for me, I've adapted, but it still isn't easy), and she flashes me that mega-watt little baby smile at me. Well that just makes it all worth it, now doesn't it?

I remember when I found out I was pregnant in January 2011 and I went into complete and total panic mode. To be honest, I felt that way for the duration of my pregnancy. And probably the first two months of motherhood. As I've mentioned before, I'm an only child and the youngest is my family by far. I had zero experience with children. I also have a long history of being a mess. Issues everywhere, as far as the eye can see! I feared, from the beginning that I was not cut out for motherhood. 

I'm so happy that I proved myself wrong.

I'm incredibly lucky to have a healthy, happy, and vibrant baby. I remember at 18 weeks when my doctor told me that due to the nature of my pre-natal screening test results, I should consider an amniocentesis. That was the only hiccup in my entire pregnancy, but it was a big one. It was a terrifying experience and a rough week and a half waiting for those results. I remember the relief that washed over me when the results came back normal. All 46 chromosomes, right where they should be, as they should be (I would have loved her no matter what, but it is still a bit scary and overwhelming). This kid lights up a room, I tell ya. We get stopped everywhere we go. Seriously, everywhere. I don't know if it's the blue eyes, the chubby cheeks.....I like to think it's the whole smooshy package. She's pretty charming. 

I often tell Lucas that Olivia is my best friend. He laughs. But it's true! We do everything together, she comes with my pretty much everywhere. I can tell her anything and she doesn't judge me. She's the best audience when I practice my speeches for school. Maybe it's a little silly to say but I'd like to think we're buds.

Motherhood is tough, that's for sure (so is fatherhood, shout out to the dads!). Harder than I imagined and yet easier, if that makes any sense at all. I never thought this is where I'd be at this point in my life. I'm still figuring it out. But I am ever so grateful for my little family. And especially this little girl.

Have a great weekend!

P.S.-Happy Birthday to my mama!!! We love you!

P.P.S.-I'm looking for anyone with web design experience to help me out with this blog!

She needs some sprucing up.

Day Trip to the Getty Museum.

Last week, before we left for Palm Desert, we took a quick day trip up to the Getty Museum. If you are local and have never been, I highly suggest you go. If you are not local and ever make a trek to L.A., you must make this a stop on your trip! The museum itself is beautiful with all of it's modern architecture. The exhibits are wonderful too. But everyone knows that the best thing about The Getty is the view. On a clear day you can see all the way to the mountains, Palos Verdes, and even Catalina Island. It was a bit smoggy the day we went but you still couldn't beat the view.

We went because I am required to visit a museum for my photography class (geez, twist my arm why don't ya?). I am a self-proclaimed museum geek and The Getty is one of my favorites. We didn't stay very long (teething/hungry baby), just enough to look at a few exhibits and get what was required or my class. I was there mainly to see the In Focus: Los Angeles 1945-1980 exhibit but was tickled pink to discover the Herb Ritts exhibit! And a celebrity portraits one! Those both just started so we definitely picked the right day to go. Photography exhibits for the win. The Herb Ritts one was spectacular and if you are at all interested in fashion/fashion photography it is a must see. Unfortunately you couldn't take pictures of the photography exhibits so I have nothing to show for those lovely shows.

That garden was closed for renovations (bummer) but frankly it looked a little dreary anyway. That's winter for you. Give it a few more weeks and this thing will be in full bloom.

Since we didn't get to see as many exhibits as we liked we're planning a return trip very soon. I'm thinking we should recruit Lucas' brother and sister-in-law for the next one (what do you think, J.P. and Jennie?). Looking forward to the next visit!

Check out The Getty Museum here.

Easter Weekend and a Wedding.

This weekend we took a little weekend road trip to Palm Desert. We had the pleasure of attending the wedding of Steve and Tara, two friends of ours. It was a beautiful wedding and we had an amazing weekend spent with great friends. We spent some time poolside and bought Olivia her first swimsuit and she had her first swim as well! She seemed to like it until a child jumped into the pool next to her and she got splashed. Then she didn't like it so much. 

Special thanks to Lucas' mom who was kind enough to drive out on Saturday morning to spend time with and watch Liv so we could go to the wedding that night. We really appreciated it and I know Liv did too!

We had a lazy Friday afternoon/evening when we arrived in the desert. A bunch of our friends were staying at the hotel across the street so we went to the cocktail hour with them followed by a massive Target trip for bottled water, diet soda, bathing suits for mom and baby, a clutch for the wedding, and snacks for the hotel room among other things. Managed to find a chic one-piece and sheer cover-up that didn't make me feel frumpy or over-exposed. I'm just not ready (or confident enough) to get back into my bikinis. 

Saturday evening was the wedding and boy, was it gorgeous. It took place at the Miramonte Resort and Spa in Indian Wells. Steve looked dapper in his suit and Tara looked phenomenal in her strapless dress. As usual, I cried during the ceremony, especially when they read their vows to each other. However, we did have some amusing commentary from our friend Todd which served as fodder for the rest of the night ("College rule!"). We had beautiful weather and enjoyed a fun reception outside under the stars. Then it was party time and party we did until after 2AM. Yes, we paid for it the next day but it was worth it!

On Easter Sunday we headed back home, slightly hungover but filled with stories and inside jokes from the weekend. Once we got home we enjoyed a quiet evening that included a nap, pizza (no fuss!), and Celebrity Apprentice. But really, how cute does Olivia look in her Easter dress and bunny hat?! What a weekend! 

Congratulations again to Mr. and Mrs. Guden! Thank you so much for inviting us!

Also, do I really have to go back to school tomorrow?

Bowling Date.

Earlier this week we ventured out of the house to reclaim our social life. First up on the list was a bowling date with some of our close friends, Nikki and Adam and Ryan and Kristi. I've known Nikki forever. Like, literally forever, since we were eight years old. Nikki and I were pregnant at the same time and in December she gave birth to adorable little Logan. Also it must be addressed that Ryan and Kristi just got engaged. Congrats again, you guys! We also brought the babies out for their introduction to bowling. The babies better get used to the bowling alley because we all had a blast.

This is Adam making fun of my bowling technique.

Note the 66 score. That's me!

Thanks for a great time you guys!