baby's first breakfast burrito.

It's been super busy here between baby, school, work (well, for Lucas), homework, maintaining some semblance of a social life and other life activities. It's crazy, but it's a lot better than when I was pregnant and for awhile there (near the end) I just sat on my butt all day watching TV shows on Netflix. That's why there has been a severe lack of posts and I promise I'll get better! 

Yesterday morning we decided to get breakfast from Miguel's (Lucas calls it that, but I think it's called Los Caballitos), a small Mexican deli inside of a liquor store (go figure) by us. It's only a few block away so we plopped Liv in her stoller and headed on down. It was our first family breakfast outing! Naturally, she slept the whole time. It was nice to take a little time and do something together as a family (aw, shucks, getting all sentimental). Plus, the sausage and bacon breakfast burrito was so worth it!

you may ask yourself, "well, how did i get here?"

Where has the time gone? I feel like the last month has flown by. I have been awfully neglectful of my little blog, and I hate when that happens. It's amazing how time consuming a baby can be. I know you're probably thinking, "Well duh, no shit Sherlock." But what I mean by that is that it's just impossible to plan or schedule when they are this young. I always think, Oh it's fine I'll just write later today when she takes a nap. And then she decides to stay up and fuss all day! Forget planning, Olivia calls the shots these days. It's her world and we just live in it, which is okay by me because she is so freakin' cute.

With that said, she is doing very well. For awhile there we had some intense crying spells, spells that would last for hours and hours on end. Every so often she'll have them again, but if you put her in her stroller and take her for a walk that usually fixes it. Also her swing has been a huge help. It's a monstrosity of a thing but turn on the swinging motion and it's pretty much guaranteed she'll go to sleep, or at least just be very calm. (Just don't put her in there right after a feeding! I made that mistake once and she threw up and I felt like the worst mother ever!! I kept apologizing over and over to her and Lucas had to pretty much talk me off a ledge, I was so distraught.)

In an effort to make my life even busier and complicated I started school this past week! Obviously this was the plan for some time, but I started to doubt myself the closer we got to it. I was afraid I couldn't do it, that we wouldn't be able to make it work. Well, we can! Those school days are LONG (both for myself and Lucas), but we are doing it. Going back to school has been super exciting for me and I feel like a dork. I'm clearing all sorts of cobwebs out of my brain. I love my classes and I have (so far) very good professors. Especially my Sociology professor. He's outspoken and provocative, yet laid back and comical. It's a very short semester that I am doing, only 7 weeks, so I'm cramming a lot of material in a short amount of time. But it's so worth it! I'm already psyched about registering for next semester.

Life has been kind of a blur lately and still mildly surreal (I have a baby?!). So to play catch up, some photos from the last few weeks.

I was able to sneak away for a Happy Hour one day. 

Maybe the sweetest thing ever.

New hair! (Much love and thanks to my amazing friend Amber!)

olivia.

Huzzah! I finally have a moment to write! I should probably make it quick because she's sleeping now, but you never know with these newborns. 

***

Obviously, Olivia is here! Now, where did I leave off? Oh right, I was about to be induced! Well, as I was writing that last entry, I was feeling kind of funky. Funky like, contractions funky. I thought they were Braxton-Hicks, but as the day wore on I was not so sure. By about 3pm I was pretty positive that I was in labor. Naturally! The day they are to induce me, my body and Olivia decide to do it on their own. It was starting to get fairly painful, but not unmanageable. I told Lucas under no circumstances, not even if I was screaming in pain, was he to bring me to the hospital before 5:30. At around 4:45 I went to the bathroom and was greeted by some nice red blood. Fun!! I ran downstairs and said, "Uh, I think I am in labor, like right now." And off we went!

We arrived on time at the hospital for my induction, but they still made us wait for a half an hour in the waiting room. That was the longest half hour of my life. I was gripping the arms of the chair through contractions (which were definitely coming more frequently) while making small talk with the other people waiting. Also, I was fairly convinced I was hemorrhaging to death (dramatic!). Finally a nurse called us in and showed us our Labor and Delivery Room. I got in my fancy pants hospital gown, settled into the bed, and was immediately hooked up to an IV. Now, I was there to be induced but they couldn't quite start the induction yet. I HAD gone into labor on my own (yay!), but my contractions were irregular and they wanted to try and get them to become more regular before they gave me the Cervidil. So we waited. We hung out in the room and I gritted my teeth through these irregular, but painful, contractions. We waited and the nurses kept checking and finally they called the doctor on call who overruled the Cervidil, since I was in labor already. He said to start me on Pitocin at 6AM the next morning. I was 2 centimeters and 90% effaced, so at this point, I was doing it on my own. 

I got the worst night of sleep ever. Between the contractions, the fetal monitor strapped to my belly, nurses checking on me constantly, the blood pressure cuff around my arm going off every 15 minutes (and my blood pressure was getting kind of wonky so then it would beep continuously until the nurse came in to shut it off), it was awful. I imagine it wasn't much better for Lucas as he had the worst sort of fold out chair/cot to sleep on. At 1AM I decided to get the epidural. Best decision ever!! It was not nearly as scary as I imagined and it took care of those pesky contractions. It did however, make me feel like a paraplegic, my legs just refused to cooperate.

They didn't end up starting the Pitocin until 7 in the morning. At this point I was only 3cm. The whole night and only one more centimeter?! At 7:30, Dr. Naghi, the doctor on call, came in and broke my water to try and speed things up. But in doing that, it caused some sort of problem for the baby. I needed an amniofusion which is pretty much just putting some water back into the uterus. So they broke my water, only to put water back in. By 9, I am feeling the contractions again so I got an extra dose of the epidural. At around 11, I looked at Lucas (who was probably stir crazy) and said, "Go out and get something to eat, things are moving slow, I'll be fine." I was 4 cm. So I am just hanging out in my hospital bed when I start feeling contractions AGAIN. Two hours after my second epidural. That didn't seem right to me. And they hurt. Then I got this feeling like I had to push. I thought that couldn't possibly be right! Luckily the nurse came in not even 10 minutes later. I explained to her what I was feeling and she checked me. 

Nurse: "Well honey, you feel like that because it's time to push!"

Me: "WHAT?! Like, right now???"

Nurse: "Like I am calling the doctor and prepping the room for delivery."

Nursing Student: "You might want to call your boyfriend."

Guys, it had been an hour. I went from 4cm to 10, in an hour. How does that even happen? I scrambled for my phone and told Lucas that NOW IS THE TIME (he was in the elevator on his way back to the maternity ward, phew!). While we waited about 25 minutes for the doctor, my nurse had me do some practice pushes (thank god they tell you how to push). I did what she told me but I couldn't feel a thing due to the epidural! I had no idea if I was pushing or pooping myself or even if I was doing anything at all! My nurse proclaimed me a "good pusher" and said this baby would be out in no time. And um, she was right. The doctor arrived and it took two contractions and about five pushes and out came baby!

Olivia Eleanor Jordan was born at 12:35pm on September 20. She weighed 7 lbs. 8 oz. and was 19 1/2 inches long. I got teary eyed when the placed her on me but I think it was because I was so overwhelmed. The delivery happened so fast I had no time to react. But she was perfect. Those first two nights in the hospital were awful, it felt so awkward having a baby. Also, I was having a tough time with breast feeding. I guess I thought it would be so easy, but it takes work! I was very frustrated. Now we've pretty much got it down, but it still takes some work! 

Being a mom still feels a little strange, but I am starting to get the hang of it. It hasn't been easy though. There is definitely not much sleep for us, and when Olivia sleeps, it's a mad dash for me to get things done in that short window of time. Things like eat, shower, clean, etc. But this tiny human has brightened my life in so many ways. Especially when she smiles or falls asleep on me or looks up at me with her big blue eyes (she got those from her mama!). So here's to a new chapter!

40 weeks and 4 days.

Well. We made it through the weekend and guess what? No baby! I kept wishing and hoping that it might happen, but sometime around Friday night or Saturday morning I accepted the fact that I was going to be induced. Clearly, this isn't happening on its own. I don't know, maybe it would have if we wait longer. Maybe our dates are off, but whatever the case, we gotta do what's best and that means tonight I get induced. 

I woke up at 5:30AM for no real particular reason. I can only assume I am anxious, which I am! Anxious, nervous, scared, excited. I kind of knew I would freak out when it came time to actually have the baby. We've got like five hours before we even have to leave for the hospital and I don't know what to do with myself.

I just need to think about the end product. Tomorrow (well, uh at some point) it will all be over. The laboring part, anyway. End product. Baby. Diet Pepsi. Sushi. Most of all, baby. 

So I'll be back in a day or two. And I will have a baby, I promise!

due date.

Stole one of Lucas' shirts to wear to bed the other night. I look like a pumpkin.

It's 9:50pm on 9/15/11 and I think it's safe to say that Olivia will not be making her debut today. I was holding out hope that she might actually show up on her due date. Statistics be damned! 

I have made it through 40 weeks of this pregnancy and I truly feel I might not last even one more day pregnant. On the plus side, contractions started up again today. I have also realized I no longer know which contractions are real and which are not so I have decided to treat them all as real and time them all! I feel at 40 weeks I am allowed to do that. The contractions have been coming in weird patterns. It's been every 23-30 minutes and then 7 minutes after that and then back to 23-30 minutes and then 7 minutes and so on. How strange. I figure I shouldn't make a rush for the hospital until they are 5-7 minutes apart consistently. They do hurt, but it's manageable. With my luck they will probably disappear again.

It looks like she's going to take after her Momma and be a late baby!

patience is a virtue, i guess.

I went into my appointment yesterday feeling eager. Eager for some news. Something, anything! Throw me a bone, here! Walked in, signed in, sat down. Flipped through some pregnancy magazine with Lucas. There was an article inside that went through the signs and different stages of labor. We read it eagerly, I think both of us hoping that if we read it, it might actually happen. 

The nurse calls my name and it takes me a good three seconds (Mississippi seconds) to get up out of the chair. I feel huge. I waddle my way though the door and take a seat in the chair next to the blood pressure cuff. It's not my usual nurse (whom I really like) but I remember this one and she is quite nice too. She remarks on how close I am to my due date ("Only two more days!"). She tells me I look really good for being two days away from my due date. I thank her. I still feel huge. Blood pressure is taken; normal. Time to get weighed, my least favorite part. Back to the scale, flips flops off, Lucas makes a move for my purse (he knows me well, no extra weight!). I never look and I tune the nurse out in case they say anything, which they usually don't. I think they get it. Down to Room 3-nope Room 2, because I am having an exam. 

Sit down, lie back, pull up my shirt and expose my protruding belly. Measuring time! Height of fundus normal. Next up, heartbeat. Sounds good, strong. Baby starts kicking, as usual whenever we do the heartbeat check. It's like she knows. Heartbeat 132, very good. Undress from the waist down, Dr. Rodriguez will be right in. My doctor comes in and I am relieved to see her. I just wanna know! I hold my breath and....."Well....you're still only about a centimeter. Cervix is still thick." Deflation. "But I'm going to help you." Oh, we're doing THAT again. I really said that. But, okay. Sit up, get dressed, come on over to my office. 

I am disappointed. I had really hoped for something. We sit down in her office. I am not sure exactly what we are going to talk about, but I have a pretty good idea. She tells us that she does not like to have babies go past 41 weeks and gives us the reasons why. We still have some time. But she feels we should schedule an induction. She gives us the option of next Monday or next Wednesday. I would like to wait longer but my parents fly out next Thursday, so we choose Monday. I am not a fan of induction. Or Pitocin. I feel like if I get induced, it's going to lead to a c-section. I am afraid of the c-section. I tell her these things. She assures me that a c-section will be our last resort. She tells me exactly what medication will be used first, and that it will be administered for 12 hours and it's solely for the cervix and it is NOT Pitocin. The Pitocin will be secondary, if needed. Apparently I have a finicky cervix. That seems to be our obstacle here. She prints out more forms for me to add to my medical records that I am to bring to Labor and Delivery. "You're gonna be fine", she assures me.

There is still some time, but if all else fails, we'll have our baby by next Tuesday. Not exactly they way I wanted to go about it, but it's alright, I guess. Like I said, there is still time. I don't want to get my hopes up but since this morning my body has been showing some signs that maybe it COULD be time. But I don't want to get too excited. Although wouldn't that be great if she showed up on her exact due date? I wish. 

So, still we wait.

tick tock.

Do you hear that? That's the sound of a clock ticking away. Minutes, hours going by. And NOTHING. I am becoming impatient. No, scratch that. I am impatient. I truly believe I would not be this way if it weren't for the fact that we got that faint glimmer of hope via my medical records. That last ultrasound and that estimated due date of 9/9/11, instead of the 9/15/11 that we had been going on. My official due date was never changed, but you see why it might get someone excited for an early delivery?

There was definitely some mild excitement on Saturday when for about 6 hours straight I experienced contractions. Irregular in spacing but definitely longer in length. I figured I must be getting somewhere, finally. And then they just stopped. Can they do that?! What a tease. Since then it has been not much, if anything. I feel like my labor is at a complete standstill.

Okay, okay so my due date isn't until Thursday, I guess I do have some time. The only phone calls or text messages we get are usually along the lines of Has she had the baby yet? And every time we answer, "No, not yet, still waiting." I feel like I am disappointing everyone! I'm trying, I swear! I'm walking still, I clean the house, I ate pineapple, I've been doing it all! In turn, my impatience has been making me slightly frustrated and irritable (sorry, Lucas). I want to cry and stomp my feet. I plead with my belly, What can I do? Tell me! Also, I would like my body back, please. I feel like I am the size of a baby beluga whale. I fear what I might look like AFTER baby and it's beginning to make me consider hibernation. Or extreme workouts beginning the day I get out of the hospital. Possibly both. 

But at the end of the day, all superficial and vanity reasons aside (of which I have many), I am impatient because I want my baby here. I would like to start being a mom already, geez! We are clearly on the cusp of something big here and I am ready to get this new chapter started. Everything is set up, the strollers, the car seat, the musical swings, and the vibrating chairs. The bassinet is set up next to our bed, ready to go. However it looks mighty lonely all empty like that.

We're waiting on you, kid! 

Looks like I'll be making tomorrow's doctor appointment. Hopefully more news tomorrow.

39 & 1.

Disclaimer: Okay folks at this stage of the game it can get graphic. I mean, I will show some discretion, for sure, but let's face it, there is going to be a lot of talk regarding lady parts. I'll try to be as modest as I can but when I say I'm dilated, I am not talking about my pupils. Welcome to the fun part of pregnancy, you have been warned!

 

39 and 1, people! 39 and 1! I finally have some numbers for you. As of today, I am officially 39 weeks. Whoop whoop! The end is near...or really just the end of this pregnancy. I went for my weekly check up this morning praying for some good news. Or any news for that matter. And wouldn't you know, we are 1 cm dilated. That's all I wanted! I was getting bummed because I just felt like nothing was happening. All these Braxton-Hicks, for what? But the constant back ache has settled in so I've got that going for me. Well, I couldn't be happier when she said 1 cm and she seemed pretty pleased as well. Then she said, "You know what? I'm going to try and help you along." I'm thinking, Oh wow! Great! I wonder what she is going to do....oh...OH! Owwww. I guess my cervix is being a little stubborn, so she decided to irritate it and strip the membranes a bit. It's about as fun as it sounds.

Hopefully that will speed things along. We are t-minus 7 days until actual D-Day and until my next appointment. But when I told her I would see her next Thursday, she felt that was too long and changed it to Tuesday. If I am not in labor by Tuesday we are going to make "plans". She did not elaborate but I am assuming that means induction. Well, we're not wasting any time, are we? She wasn't kidding when she said she wouldn't let me go very far past my due date. I'd rather not be induced unless it's totally, completely necessary, so Olivia! Do your thing! 

This is crazy! I could have a baby by this time next week! I am going to be a mom. It's just so strange and surreal. But it's happening whether I'm ready or not so I'd better put on my big girl pants.

For those of you who are not in the LA area, we've been having somewhat of a heatwave this week. Which makes me a grumpy pregnant girl. It probably also doesn't help that I've been cleaning everyday (hey, it might induce labor!) and decided to bake brownies this afternoon. Who makes brownies during a heatwave?! I do, apparently. 

Recently I downloaded Skype so I could better communicate with my family back in New York. Well not better communicate, just communicate differently and perhaps more fun. I thought it would be a good idea for when Olivia is born so she can see her grandparents more often. But it might mostly be for my mother who is ready to be Grandma Extraordinaire and who might possibly request to see her first born grandchild everyday until her 18th birthday. I forgot I had a webcam until I downloaded Skype so I have been having webcam fun.

39 week bump, in yo' face!! I feel like I don't look this big in person. Perhaps the webcam distorted it slightly. Perhaps that is just wishful thinking on my part, ha!

labor day weekend!

Last year, on Labor Day weekend, we were up north for a friend's wedding. I happily drank champagne and many glasses of wine. I wore a blue strapless dress and my favorite BCBG heels. This year? Yeah, well let's just say what a difference a year makes.

Thursday was the grand opening of the new Nordstrom Rack in Redondo Beach, which I am pretty sure 98% of the females in the South Bay were excited for. I was! And Thursdays are Lucas' day off so he promised me a trip. Brave man to do that on opening day. We had a specific reason for going there, you see. I needed a diaper bag. Here I was, 38 weeks and no diaper bag! I have spent countless hours shopping for a researching the perfect bag. Practical, stylish, functional, easy to clean. And dear Lord please no florals or paisley prints! Also, something that doesn't scream I AM A DIAPER BAG. Every bag I liked was leather so that wasn't going to work. Which I guess made it more purse than diaper bag, but I was flexible. And leather and babies don't really mesh that well. Anyway! I scoured the racks and tables, dodging around the zillions of zany shoppers and found many bags I liked but none that would do the trick. There was one table left. Lo and behold, wouldn't you know that table full of Kate Spades contained one bag bearing that almighty tag, "The Baby Bag". It was a bit pricier than I expected, but I wanted it so! I mulled if over, walked around the store, carried the bag and finally said, "Screw it." I wanted that damn bag. Now I am the proud owner of this:

It's the Kate Spade Dizzy Dot Sophie bag and I'm in love. It doesn't scream diaper bag but it's got all the goodies and it looks pretty. I'm not going to lie; I really wanted a designer diaper bag. I admit it might be rather bratty of me. This wasn't a totally frivolous purchase, though, I mean, we did NEED a bag. Plus it was like, half off!

On a side note, kudos to this new Nordstrom Rack. For a grand opening, it was completely controlled, despite the hoards of people. Extremely well staffed, staff was friendly, everyone was trained well. All registers were open and the lines moved at the speed of light! I've worked a lot of retail in my twenty five years (unfortunately) and also done a few store openings, and this is how it's done! I was very impressed.

Friday was my weekly appointment with my doctor. 38 weeks and one day. The nurse told me I wouldn't be checked until 39 weeks for dilation, but my wonderful doctor decided I was close enough and asked me if I wanted to. Would I! But no. Not dilated at all. She dropped though, so I guess we're making progress? My doctor assured me that by my next appointment I should be at least at one cm. 

Guys, it's time for this baby to come out. I mean I can't even sit here and comfortably write this blog. My belly is too huge, it gets in the way of everything. I can't sit, stand, or sleep comfortably. I am OVER IT.

After my appointment I met up with my friend for Happy Hour at BJ's. I hoped we would be celebrating something, like 1 centimeter dilated or whatever. But we ate half off mini pizzas (which were amazeballs) and I drank iced tea and looked wistfully at Michelle's glass of wine and the other patron's beers. Listen, it's been a long time and yes, I do miss having a nice cocktail. (Side note: When I first met Lucas, he would always call alcoholic beverages cocktails and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I would laugh and say, "It's a drink" and he would exclaim, "Yes, a cocktail!". I was pretty sure no one had said cocktail since 1965 at a fondue party.)

I would like to share with you this little gem that Lucas made for me on Saturday night.

Excuse the crappy cell phone picture. Seriously, one of these days I'll get an iPhone. But that, my friends, is an M&M sugar cookie, chocolate fudge ice cream sundae with chocolate syrup, powdered sugar, and crumbled Kit Kats on top. You see why I am with him?

I got my pre-labor day (like baby labor) pedicure yesterday. Giving birth is rough, I gotta look good while doing it. Yes, I plan on going to the hospital with a full face of make up. That's just me.

We made some truly awesome Greek inspired food last night. It was mostly my creation so I am quite proud of it, if I do say so myself. You see, I am not a cook. But I made my own marinade for the chicken and made a pretty sweet Greek salad. 

I crushed the rest of that salad today. Right out of the bowl. No shame.

false labor. godparents. you know.

Braxton freaking Hicks. I feel like I've said those words more than anything else in the last month. Personally, I'm getting sick of hearing myself say them. Also, they are very misleading! These "practice" contractions (or fake, as I like to call them) lead me to believe that I might not truly know when I do go into labor. My doctor has assured me that I'll "know" the real thing, I'll "know" when it's labor. But for every time my doctor tells me that, I meet another mom who tells me that they had no idea they were in labor, couldn't tell the difference. Once again we bring up the whole "every woman's pregnancy is different", so I guess this is bound to happen. Anyway, these stupid Braxton-Hicks have been plaguing me since the beginning of July. But back then it would be once, maybe twice a week. Now it is every day, sometimes for a few hours straight! You see why it might lead a girl to believe she might be in labor? But might not? 

Yesterday was a particularly confusing day. You see, we are t-minus 15 days until the official due date so it's all fair game now. I went for a nice, long walk with my friend Michelle and started getting the Braxton-Hicks then, which I am used to. The creepy thing is now ROCK HARD your stomach gets. That's your uterus getting all crazy on you and stuff. But it's very, very uncomfortable. Sometimes the BHs are painful, but yesterday it was plain old uncomfortable. I swear though, my stomach stayed rock hard for HOURS. This just made me generally kind of miserable. But then! I thought my water broke. But I wasn't sure (do you see all of these uncertainties?!). I am expecting this water breaking thing to be very dramatic like a flash flood or someone kicking over a full bucket of water. What I was experiencing was more like a trickle-ish thing. I wasn't in any pain. So I've got a rock hard belly and possible water break. Lucas had me call the doctor but they were closed and I didn't want to get all crazy and call whoever was on duty for fear of sounding well, crazy ("I THINK MAYBE my water broke but, uh, not sure.") Obviously, I'm still here and still very pregnant so clearly this was a case of the falsies a.k.a false labor. I guess it was just constant BH and my bladder just being an epic fail (THE JOYS OF PREGNANCY). In other words, baby ain't ready yet.

Let's talk godparents. Yay or nay? Apparently this is a pretty big deal for a lot of people. Anyone that I know that is a godparent takes it seriously and as a big honor. I don't have godparents. I remember when I found out about them and my friends would talk about how cool their godparents were. I asked my mother who mine were and she said, "I don't even know what you are talking about. You have GRANDparents." Okay, conversation over. Plus who whole "god" thing leads me to believe this has some religious connotation and that is pretty much lost on me. So let's Wikipedia!! Officially, it is someone who sponsors a child's baptism. Traditionally, it states that "godparents were informally responsible for ensuring a child's religious education was carried out should he/she be orphaned". This is not sounding like Lucas or myself at all. I am not a religious person. I am all for it, but I am just not religious. Luckily, the whole godparent thing has become a bit more modernized and it says that they are individuals who take interest in the child's upbringing and personal development. That's a little better. Lucas chose a godfather very early on in the pregnancy. Basically, he randomly announced it to me one night. I have no qualms with who he chose, I just wish he had at least consulted me first. He thought I would love this because "now you get to choose the godmother!". Ah, no. Choosing a godparent is hard! I honestly don't know. And I hope that doesn't offend any of my wonderful and amazing female friends, but I really just don't know! It wouldn't even be an official thing anyway because we certainly wouldn't do any of that religious ceremonial stuff. Maybe I'll just have Lucas do it. 

I realize I haven't posted any bump pictures for awhile and it seems like a moot point because tomorrow is 38 weeks, but here you go!

37 weeks and 6 days. I'm not unhappy! I'm just concentrating.

Front belly view.

P.S.- Got an email from Nordstrom today about shoe sale and clearance. Got really excited! I haven't purchased shoes in FOREVER because well, obviously. All I wear are flip flops now because anything else makes my feet swell. It's sad. But this pregnancy is pretty much done, so NEW SHOES.

thoughts at 36 weeks.

photo courtesy of  FlynetPictures.com

So here we are at 36 weeks. I have made it through nine months of pregnancy. Only four more weeks to go or 27 days until my due date, however you choose to look at it. The best is yet to come, and maybe even the worst....I am still slightly terrified of the whole birthing process. 

Is it strange though, that now that we are so close to the finish line, that I am having a harder time than ever picturing myself as a mother? For example, we got our big mama stroller just the other day. And I absolutely love it but...it is so difficult to picture myself pushing the stroller around with a baby inside. It's a mental image I can barely even comprehend. It's just...weird! Not bad weird, just weird. 

I always thought I would have children, I just didn't know when. When I was very young I thought I would be married by 18 and be having my first child at 20. Ha! Life definitely doesn't happen that way and honestly, I am very glad it didn't. I can tell you that at 20 years old I was in no way fit to be a mother. Or married for that matter. I can also tell you that I got to a point where I thought, maybe I just won't have children or maybe I won't start until I am 35 and have an established career as who knows what but it probably requires fashionable shoes and a caffeine addiction. So imagine my surprise at being 24 years old and pregnant and um, not quite where I expected to be career wise. Me, a mom, at 25? Pushing a stroller, changing diapers, cleaning spit up, no sleep, feedings every two hours, etc. Is this me now? Is this my identity? 

Being a mother is an incredibly important role and I don't take it lightly. Even if it does seem strange to me. This little girl, I am going to have to show her the world and teach her things and protect her and nurture her. I think about issues that I have and how I never want to pass them on to her. But is motherhood what defines me? Am I Taylor, the mom, the end. Because I still have dreams. There are still things I want to accomplish. I have goals and plans (and yes I realize the plans may not go exactly as I hope) and yeah, I still do want that career. And the fashionable shoes. I've already got the caffeine addiction. Yes, I want to do these things for myself, but also for her too. I want our family to live comfortably. I'd like to buy a house. Or even rent a nice apartment where it's just the three of us. Hell, I'd like to get married eventually. I want to start a college fund for her. She's my little girl after all, and I want to succeed for her. I want to set a good example. 

I am hoping this is all normal and I don't come off as being selfish or not ready for motherhood. Well, I'm not totally ready but who is?! I think I just want to know that at the end of the day I'll still be me. I realize that me also means Mom. But I hope I still get to be Taylor.

my baby shower.

Saturday was a lovely day to have a baby shower! It was warm out, but with a nice ocean breeze and although the morning seemed gloomy, by noon the sun was shining. It was a truly wonderful day and we couldn't have asked for more. We were surrounded by friends, family, and a heck of a lot of love. I wish my family could have been there, but that's the price you pay when you move across the country. Plus, my parents will be out here just in time for baby's arrival. Also, as you can see by the cake, we have chosen the name. Most of our friends know but for whatever reason I have yet to put it in this blog. I think I am a little afraid I might jinx it. Jinx what exactly, that I am not sure of. Anyway, our little girl is going to be named Olivia Eleanor. Olivia, because we just like it and it sounds actually really good with her last name. And Eleanor after my great grandmother. And now, picture spamming of the baby shower!

See the skirt in all its glory! I was going for some sort of pregnant ballerina look.

Our wonderful friend Shannon!

Cutting the cake.

On the phone with my Mom.

Gifts!

Dave and Cindy, always laughing, always happy!

Courtney, Shannon, myself, and Michelle.

I have no idea what this picture is about, but I sure do like it.

See that baby? I love that baby!

Ah, Angels gear. I wanted some Yankee gear as well, but I was overruled. Once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker. (Grandparents, are you listening?)

He was pretty excited.

Dueling bellies. I love a man who isn't afraid to show off his belly.

My amazing friends and shower hosts, Nikki and Amber.

Please note the pretty shoes had come off by the end of the party. Flip flops!

it's a big day.

Today is my baby shower, guys! WHERE DOES THE TIME GO? Good grief, seriously, wasn't it just yesterday that I was only four months along? Now here I am, 34 weeks (ONLY SIX MORE???!!), getting ready to celebrate my baby girl. I'm awfully excited, yet slightly nervous because I have about zero experience with baby showers prior to this. I have been told it requires lots of smiling and thank yous. My sweet boyfriend is up right now, at 7:19AM, making dishes for the party. I'm lucky he likes to cook. The shower is being thrown by my wonderful, lovely friends Nikki and Amber and I can't wait to see what they've done! One of the things I had to do regarding this shower was to stay out of it for the most part and just relinquish control to them. I think I did okay! Not an easy feat for a control freak though, I tell ya.

Let's talk baby shower outfits. I put a lot of emphasis on my outfit and I really wanted to find the perfect dress. Well, instead I found the perfect skirt. And oh is it ever perfect. I came across it at H&M.

Is it not the most amazing skirt ever?! I'm in love. And it has an elastic waist and it fits perfectly under my belly in my normal size which means I can wear it after! Seriously, ladies, you do NOT need to buy maternity wear, it's really just not necessary. I have purchased two things from the maternity store throughout my entire pregnancy. One of those giant pillows from Boppy and nursing bras. The end. You do not need to sink a fortune into a whole new wardrobe. I feel very strongly about this! It's all about easy basics that grow with you. Basic tees and tanks. Maxi skirts. Inexpensive maxi dresses. Leggings. Layering! Just go up a size!

And since we're on the subject...can we please talk about H&M's Fall line? And how it's the best collection they've done in years?? I mean, the skirt! And do you know how much it cost? $24.95. Shut the front door. I almost don't even want to tell people how awesome their new stuff is because I want it all for myself. Some favs:

You have no idea how deep my love for 60's style babydoll mini dresses goes. I mean, we go way back. I can't resist.

Super cute, comes in a variety of colors, and buttons! Optimal for breastfeeding!

There are few things I enjoy more than an over sized sweater. Love.

Alright, so big day ahead. Can't wait to see what today has in store for us!