thoughts at 36 weeks.

photo courtesy of  FlynetPictures.com

So here we are at 36 weeks. I have made it through nine months of pregnancy. Only four more weeks to go or 27 days until my due date, however you choose to look at it. The best is yet to come, and maybe even the worst....I am still slightly terrified of the whole birthing process. 

Is it strange though, that now that we are so close to the finish line, that I am having a harder time than ever picturing myself as a mother? For example, we got our big mama stroller just the other day. And I absolutely love it but...it is so difficult to picture myself pushing the stroller around with a baby inside. It's a mental image I can barely even comprehend. It's just...weird! Not bad weird, just weird. 

I always thought I would have children, I just didn't know when. When I was very young I thought I would be married by 18 and be having my first child at 20. Ha! Life definitely doesn't happen that way and honestly, I am very glad it didn't. I can tell you that at 20 years old I was in no way fit to be a mother. Or married for that matter. I can also tell you that I got to a point where I thought, maybe I just won't have children or maybe I won't start until I am 35 and have an established career as who knows what but it probably requires fashionable shoes and a caffeine addiction. So imagine my surprise at being 24 years old and pregnant and um, not quite where I expected to be career wise. Me, a mom, at 25? Pushing a stroller, changing diapers, cleaning spit up, no sleep, feedings every two hours, etc. Is this me now? Is this my identity? 

Being a mother is an incredibly important role and I don't take it lightly. Even if it does seem strange to me. This little girl, I am going to have to show her the world and teach her things and protect her and nurture her. I think about issues that I have and how I never want to pass them on to her. But is motherhood what defines me? Am I Taylor, the mom, the end. Because I still have dreams. There are still things I want to accomplish. I have goals and plans (and yes I realize the plans may not go exactly as I hope) and yeah, I still do want that career. And the fashionable shoes. I've already got the caffeine addiction. Yes, I want to do these things for myself, but also for her too. I want our family to live comfortably. I'd like to buy a house. Or even rent a nice apartment where it's just the three of us. Hell, I'd like to get married eventually. I want to start a college fund for her. She's my little girl after all, and I want to succeed for her. I want to set a good example. 

I am hoping this is all normal and I don't come off as being selfish or not ready for motherhood. Well, I'm not totally ready but who is?! I think I just want to know that at the end of the day I'll still be me. I realize that me also means Mom. But I hope I still get to be Taylor.