on new beginnings and feeling stuck.

I've been gone for a long time, yes I realize that. Do I have a valid excuse? Not really. It's a mix of lack of creative juices, excessive school schedules, work, and motherhood. Oh and wedding planning. Sort of.

I feel like I've been experiencing a lot of new beginnings in the last few years. First, there was becoming a mom. But we already know that story. Next, it was starting college. Better late than never. Then, a few months after I stopped blogging, I got engaged. But most of you probably know that already as well. Then last month I decided to start another journey: weight loss. Or maybe I should say, weight loss the right way. The way that doesn't involve starving myself, throwing up, or swallowing laxatives by the box. I figured I'd finally do it the right way: eating right and going to the damn gym. 

So far, I feel like I have been doing okay. I've stuck with my goals. I've logged my food. I've stuck to a healthy diet. I log my workouts. I do plenty of cardio, but make sure I get in weight and circuit training too. I try not to weigh myself very much or at all because I'll get easily discouraged. My next weigh in is on Thursday. You see, I'm an impatient person when it comes to weight loss (and maybe on some level, we all are). I want results and I want it now, preferably yesterday. This is why I have resorted to such extremes for the last 11 years.

I set a deadline for myself. On September 26, I have an appointment at a trendy wedding dress boutique in West Hollywood. I want to lose 15 lbs by then. In June I went and tried on some wedding dresses on the fly. It was awful. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. I was disgusted with myself. Side note: what the hell is up with wedding dress sizes anyway?? The stylist could have put me in the most beautiful dress in the entire store and I still would have been horrified by myself. I can't figure out if I just can't find the right dress or if I have the wrong body. Maybe both.

Okay maybe "the wrong body" isn't the right choice of words, but bear with me. Today is one of THOSE DAYS. I honestly haven't felt like myself for a few days now. I can't quite muster a smile. I feel defeated. There isn't any ONE thing that makes me feel this way. I feel stuck. I feel like my hard work and effort is getting me nowhere. I feel like all of my friends are beautiful and I am not. I feel like all of my friends can afford to have beautiful weddings. I feel like I cannot. (Yeah, I'm having a serious case of the green-eyed monster here.) Today I want to throw in the towel. I want to say, quite simply: FUCK IT. I give in.

But that's the kicker, isn't it? I can't give in. I have to put on my big girl pants and trudge through the muck to get to the other side, whatever that means or where ever that is. I need to strap on my sneakers and go to the fucking gym. I need to thank my lucky stars I have a healthy, insanely smart toddler and a fiance who loves me for who I am (and says I don't need to lose a pound, even though he knows that doesn't get through to me and I'll never see it, he says it anyway). I need to start making some big changes in other aspects of my life. And I have to hold on to a little but of hope that I can have a beautiful wedding too.

But it's not always easy.